


A Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Episode Related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-13
Updated: 2004-03-13
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:11:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: Ah, the Kryceks he's been





	A Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

IT'S A WONDERFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

M/K/S Parody

By Fan4Riche

 

It was a day, a perfectly ordinary one except that it was a dark and stormy night. In a dismal hotel room, evil Krycek jolted alertly out of bed to his wake up call, shot the phone, walked down stairs, bare-assed naked, and shot the desk clerk. Happening to meet a nun carrying the entire funds to an orphanage in the elevator, he strangled her with her rosary beads and whistled his way back to his room. Feeling refreshed, Krycek opened the window, spotted a boy scout leading an old lady across the street and drew a bead on them. Crack, both with one bullet. Life was dammed good.

 

Evil Krycek checked his daybook---it was a light day. First he was to report to Spender, be raped repeatedly and then receive his assignments for the week. Ok, that was usual. Let me see, Krycek mused. Hmm, dark alley way, meet Mulder, attempt to pass misleading information to Mulder, be beaten, sadistically tortured, raped, and left lying in the garbage. Oh yeah, that was a great mid-morning break. 

 

Lunch...a quick blood bath to keep his proper attitude, and then back to duty. Oh, recreation...revive Jeffrey Spender from the dead with a secret formula he had stolen from a kindly old scientist. Lead Jeffy around by the nose and arrange for daddy to shoot him again...this time in the groin. Yum.

 

Serious work in the afternoon, sell consortium secrets to Lebanese. Sell Lebanese secrets to..to...? Oh hell, never mind! Mid-afternoon, meet Mulder in dark warehouse, attempt to pass him more Consortium secrets...Mulder turns on flashlight, discovers the secrets are actually those Lebanese deadly bean recipes. Be raped, sodomized with the flashlight, and left tied up in warehouse.

 

Hmm, late afternoon, time to be truly evil. Insert ad banners in every web page on the net and load annoying pop-ups at all the best sites. Dig up Mulder's father and run his corpse for president. Steal Russian secrets and sell to China. Steal Chinese secrets and sell to Japan. Skip stealing Japanese secrets. They might copy him and sell him to every writer in Krycek Fandom.

 

Alex dressed, added six knives and two guns to his ensemble and was ready for the day. It was good to be evil.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Meanwhile elsewhere.

 

Domestic Krycek woke up, naked except for his lacy apron, and lovingly ran his eggbeater across the nude whipping cream covered body of his husband, Fox. He washed the eggbeater for reasons best left unsaid and prepared Belgian waffles from scratch. Oh, dear, the last cherry was encased in Mulder's bellybutton. He fetched it and added it to the top of a dollop of yet more whipped cream. He set the lap tray on Mulder's towering chocolate covered erection and twirled it rapidly until Mulder came. The lap tray subsided rapidly to eating level. Krycek set his hands on his hips and giggled. That was a helpful hint to place on the Internet. 

 

D-Krycek went out and gardened, thoughtfully in the nude so the neighbors could all enjoy his chic cheeks. Cutting two dozen roses, D-Krycek floated in scattering petals and occasionally swatting at the slightly annoying bluebirds that seemed to follow him everywhere.

 

His darling Foxy was done eating so Krycek went to lick every inch of him clean with his dainty pink tongue. "Is my Foxy-Woxy-Baby all done? Did my honey bunch like his waffles? "

 

D-Krycek couldn't understand the sudden gagging sounds from Foxy, but soothed his lover with some readings from the Kama Sutra until it was time for Fox to go to work.

 

D-Krycek looked at his day calendar. Hmm, play bridge with that nice Blair from down the street, trade beauty secrets with Barbie, have nails done, read "The Multiply Orgasmic Man" for the fifth time, and sculpture ice into phallic shapes for Mulder's welcome home cocktail. 

 

Of course, he needed to get a work out at the gym to keep his beautiful figure. Eating all that chocolate and whipped cream off Mulder was fattening. D-Krycek sighed and twitched his round ass off to the apron store. He really needed lots of aprons. Dear Foxy was so hard on them! Oh, my, hard...just the way, D-Krycek liked him.

 

Happily wiggling and skipping, D-Krycek set out on his sunny day whistling and giggling. He never paused too long. Damn Bluebirds crapped on his head when he stopped so he really moved his ass nicely.

 

>>>>>>>>>>

 

Heroic-Misunderstood Alex rose from the wreck of Walter Skinner's bed. Walter lay collapsed, worn to a shell of his self. Mulder lay in a pool of bliss...hmm well actually it was a pool of cum. It was such a job keeping both men happy and satisfied, but dammed if Alex would ask for help. 

 

Stepping into the kitchen, Alex manfully maneuvered through all the kids OFC's had given birth to as a result of his occasional and regretted lapses into heterosexuality. The bitches always died off, leaving him with yet another bra...wonderful beloved child to raise. Alex sighed as he realized Baby Marisa needed changing. He lifted her to the changing table and smiled into her oil-slicked eyes as he changed her diaper and used a dipstick to make sure that her fluids were at their proper greasy level. He fastened the ecologically correct cloth diaper while fighting one alien clone, two consortium goons, three mad rapists, four lust crazed slashers, and a partridge in a pear tree.

 

Alex finished feeding all the children and hacking into the pentagon files. He changed to his multiple appliance arm and visited his closet. Mother-Fucking Ursula had taken all his clothes again except Walter's big white tee shirt from her story, Briar Patch. Oh well, chances were he would end up naked anyway. Slipping the worn garment over his head, Alex struck a heroic pose while killing off six alien shape changers....oh shit, that last one wasn't an alien. Alex checked and discovered it was an IRS agent. Cool, no one would miss that him. He'd just dump the body on the New York subway, where they wouldn't notice an extra corpse.

 

Now, pulling out his um...well, that was serviceable, but not quite what Alex had in mind. Ah, there was his notebook. He zapped into his calendar. Hmm, cure drought in Africa, find cure for AIDS, defeat Alien invasion, be kidnapped and raped by Spender, be comforted by Mulder and Skinner, be kidnapped and raped by aliens, be comforted by Mulder, Skinner, and Scully. Be raped by Skinner and Mulder. Be comforted by them when they realize they really loved him and didn't want to hurt him anymore. Okay, just a usual day. He could slip in some hospital visits and resurrect Melissa and William Mulder from the dead. Hell, he'd raise Jeffy too. There was a list of people who wanted ferret boy back.

 

Alex frowned and realized that he had better start his day by picking up plenty of lube and condoms. Off to the sex store. He strode gracefully wolf like...stopping to mark his territory on every bush.

 

OooOooO

 

Retired Alex rose from Walter Skinner's bed and looked happily around at his rustic lodge. The huge mosquito head mounted on the wall was just the perfect touch. He patted Walter's well-muscled ass and remembered with pleasure that he had mounted that two times last night. Now, check and see what was up....

 

Hmm, rescue Scully, reconcile with Mulder, invite Mulder into relationship, be assaulted by crazed Mulder, bring down consortium, write novel, and tap into entire world net. Then breakfast. Okay, chop wood, visit all of his relatives, visit all of Walter's relatives, visit Mulder's relatives, whoops, make that buy flowers for graves.

 

Alex decided to go purchase leathers and a new Harley first. He had to lure the bush pilot down with the entire contents of Walter's liquor cabinet, but that was okay, Making up after big arguments was very satisfying anyway. Besides, his particular Walter had been cloned from Zero Sum Skinner and really needed to watch how much he drank.

 

Happily, Alex stepped out of the plane and marched down to the Harley store. He flexed his manly, scarred shoulders and fingered his wallet. Ready and able.

 

OooOooO

 

 

Heroic Alex posed gracefully on the corner, feeling every eye feasting on his other- worldly beauty. He hoped they would throw chocolates. He really liked it when they did that. He frowned. Hey, what was this?

 

People were looking away from him! What the hell?

 

A sleek, simpering, giggling creature came skipping up batting away blue birds of happiness. Trundling massive supplies of whipped cream and wearing a lace apron.

 

Heroic Alex gagged. How could he save the world in an apron? He strode up to the creature and made a valiant attempt to remove his green trademark eyes. He yelled, "You're a disgrace."

 

"You're an over-achiever." A voice snapped back. It didn't come from the domestic version of him. 

 

OMG, didn't that man know plaid lumberjack shirts did not go with black leather jackets Nice bike though, Heroic Alex thought, as attention deficit as his writer.

 

Sniffling, the sweet sexy domestic Alex stood wiping his face with his apron. Hmm, that was the prettiest cock he had ever seen. Maybe he should practice yoga so he could see his own at a very close angle. Alex also remarked upon the gun holstered in a black lace garter belt with sequins. Now, that was a good little fashion twist. As soon as the first tear fell, Mulder came running out of nowhere to comfort his baby. 

 

About to commit an unfortunate act, Alex stopped. Hey, wait; his Mulder didn't have a tattoo. And his Mulder after last night wore an Alex bite on his right cheek and a Walter bite on his left cheek.

 

Oh, there was his Mulder, struggling with his feelings as always and his Walter, strong, caring, reliable, and capable of towering erections at the snap of a condom...Drool. Oh, they looked peeved. Heroic Alex decided he better go calm down Bosnia. Better that then be faced with twenty-one cute kids that he had promised to take to Disneyland after he saved the world.

 

Who the hell was that? It was an insane looking Mulder. The man was unzipping with one hand and wielding handcuffs in the other. Heroic Alex decided Disneyland sounded good. He ran toward his lovers, saying, "I have a bad feeling about this...."

 

Just then the horizon darkened. Corpses suddenly slumped out of every possible dark corner. A dozen sex crazed Spenders, dressed like Dr. Frankfurter in the Rocky Horror Picture show, appeared. They begin kicking in their wheel chairs, high stepping and singing, "He's cumming. He's cumming, but never for meeeeeee"

 

Thunder, lightening, a plague of toads were fired out of a cannon...

 

Evil!Krycek appeared amidst a sudden fall of darkness, a cloud of bees, and a seep of oil.

 

As Evil Krycek slunk out, sexy, sullen, and sleek, a shining figure streaked from the sky, riding the wind on a silver surfboard...inspired by Marvel Comic.

 

Before the plot could come to dramatically appropriate coherent end, evil laughter came from the Hollywood Surfer.

 

Mine, cackled the man of true, but vapid evil, stuffing all the characters in a sack for later sale on E-Bay.

 

His sneering face flaunting his power, the Surfer Dude threw a random montage out to befuddle the expectant fans and exited with all of the Kryceks, Mulders, and Skinners struggling to escape their doom.

 

The all too realistic unresolved end...


End file.
